As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, a parent, and someone who lost a parent to cancer as a young teenager, I have both personal and professional experience with this topic. I understand how deeply a cancer diagnosis and/or death of a parent can rock the entire foundation of a family. While a cancer diagnosis impacts everyone in a family, this article focuses specifically on the experiences and support needs of adolescents.
There is a wide range of emotions teenagers might feel when a parent is diagnosed with cancer. Some of the most common feelings are: avoidance or denial, fear of death, grief or anger around not having a “typical” childhood, anger towards the parent or God, worry about having needs that could burden the family, confusion, isolation or difficulty connecting with peers. Many teenagers also feel pressure to grow up faster than their peers, especially if they are required to take on additional responsibilities at home. Teens may worry more about money or feel the financial strain that a cancer diagnosis and subsequent treatments can have on a family. Regardless of the feelings that come up, there are various ways you can support your teen through this difficult experience.
- Talk openly and directly about the cancer diagnosis. It is important to normalize open expression around the topic and to model early on and in age-appropriate ways that the parent’s diagnosis is not a secret. Make space to talk about feelings about the diagnosis as well as logistics and expectations. Give accurate information about what is happening and next steps. It is okay to say “I don’t know” when you don’t know.
- Support your child in seeking support. For many teens it can be hard to talk with their parents about vulnerable topics. It is a time when many teens prefer peer support or support from outside the family. Peer support could look like groups at school, Camp Kesem, or something as simple as letting them know that a peer also has a parent going through cancer treatment. Even if they don’t want to talk to them about it, just knowing that someone else they know is dealing with something similar can reduce isolation.
- Model seeking your own mental health support. This allows your child to have open conversations with you without feeling like they are your main support and normalizes the need for additional support. Often when teens are (or think they are) their parent’s main support they sensor what they share for fear of burdening their parent with their emotions. This puts them in the position of feeling like they have to protect their parent instead of the other way around. When parents have their own supports (and share this with their children), they can have open conversations while still maintaining the role of parent so their teen can continue to rely on their parent as someone who keeps them safe. I have worked with many adolescents who felt a lot of resistance about going to therapy until they found out their parent was also in therapy. We can reduce stigma within our households through these conversations.
- It is okay to be honest about feeling scared or not knowing what will happen, but be clear that if anything happens to you, your teen will be taken care of. Talk about what this would look like and who would take care of them. These are hard conversations, but your child is likely already thinking about it even if they haven’t brought it up. Make space for adolescents to share their fears. Let them know that fear is a normal emotion. Find a balance between staying positive and being honest about the realities of the diagnosis. Adolescents know when adults are telling them something that is not true and this can increase feelings of instability.
- Provide structure and stability. Create traditions and rituals as a family or one on one with your teen. This can be a huge source of comfort and stability when other things are uncertain. Even if teens resist it in certain moments (it is normal for teenagers to want to spend less time with family and more time with friends at this age), consistency can still be a grounding anchor during this time.
- Don’t assume your adolescent isn’t thinking about something just because they aren’t talking about it with you. They might not be ready, and that’s okay. Don’t pressure them to talk about something they aren’t ready to talk about, but periodically remind them that you’re there and open to talking about it. Assure them that wanting and not wanting to talk about it are both normal. Offer multiple avenues for processing. If your teen is not a verbal processor, they may want to process through art, exercise, reading books or articles, journaling, or other outlets.
- Teach emotional literacy. Keep a feelings wheel in the house and normalize using it to identify emotions when you aren’t sure what you’re feeling. Model noticing how you feel emotions in your body- anxiety, fear, excitement. Create a culture in your household that validates a wide range of acceptable emotions.
- Find a balance between allowing teens to just be teens and holding the intensity of the situation. Normalize the importance of your teen getting to do age-appropriate things including spending time with friends, talking about crushes etc. Adolescence typically includes a shift towards differentiation from parents and spending more time with peers. However, for teens whose parents are dealing with a cancer diagnosis, there may be fear or guilt around wanting more separation or being away from their families. All of this is normal and the more we talk about it, the less teens feel shame or blame themselves. Make space for joyfulness and humor. In the same way it’s important for adolescents to just be teens, it’s also important for the whole family to find time for lightness and humor.
Nico Storrow (they/them) is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. They were a former counselor at Camp Kesem Davis from 2007-2011 and have been practicing as a therapist with teens, individuals and couples for nine years. Their areas of specialty are: grief and loss, life transitions, trauma & EMDR, and couple’s therapy. If you are interested in virtual therapy in CA or in person therapy in the Bay Area, you can reach them at nicostorrowtherapy@gmail.com. You can also learn more about Nico Storrow and their practice at www.nicostorrowtherapy.com
